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Welcome back to the Growing Tree of Life, our weekly exploration of personal growth and well-being.
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Transform your relationship from a battlefield into a paradise
Issue Number: #071
Date: 3 June 2024
Reading Time: 3 minutes
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After a few years together, living with someone can feel like a battlefield. Unless you've learned how to turn it into a paradise.
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Yet, what if the root cause of relationship problems isn't about incompatibility, but misaligned expectations?
What if appreciating your partner's contributions rather than focusing on what they lack could transform your relationship overnight?
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You’ve heard many times that relationships require hard work and compromise. But what if I told you the real solution is NOT in working harder, but in shifting your perspective entirely?
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How to transform your relationship with one foundational shift
Countless books, articles, and self-help guides flood the market, claiming to revolutionize relationships. Couples spend endless hours in therapy or delving into podcasts, hoping for that magic solution. However, true change often remains elusive.
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The most profound transformations in relationships occur not with compromise—often made by only one of you—but when both partners undergo a perspective shift.
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So, where does this shift need to happen?
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It's about changing the focus from expectations to appreciation. Couples tend to dwell on what they aren't receiving rather than valuing what they do get. This lopsided focus fosters resentment, creating a cycle of dissatisfaction.
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The ultimate undesirable outcome? Growing apart and losing the connection that brought you together in the first place.
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The change
How does this perspective shift work? And can it transform YOUR relationship?
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When we think about relationships, we can see that our interactions often fall into two categories – expectations and appreciations. Problems grow when the things we expect do not happen. And yet, they often don't happen because of one or multiple of the following three things: unclear communication, unmet expectations of our partner, and— the most painful one—previous lack of appreciation.
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A significant shift in relationship dynamics happens when you transition from a mindset dominated by expectations to one enriched by appreciation. Expectations aren't inherently bad, but when they overshadow appreciation, issues arise.
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Water your flowers
Consider this analogy: imagine always focusing on the flowers you wish you had, rather than watering and nurturing the ones you already possess. How can you expect your garden to flourish? Similarly, focusing on what your partner isn't providing neglects the value of what they are contributing daily. It is this shift that can lead to profound improvements in the quality of your relationship.
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To transform a rocky relationship, a monumental mindset shift must occur: moving from "me against you" to "us together against the world." When couples underscore "we" over "I," they foster unity and shared purpose. This new viewpoint celebrates mutual contributions, minimizes conflict, and strengthens the bond.
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3 small shifts, daily
I've got three ways to transform your relationship from a battlefield into a harmonious partnership, where you both feel like conspirators working together rather than competitors standing apart.
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- Communicate Appreciation Daily: Make it a habit to express gratitude for the small acts of kindness and support your partner shows every day. Did they make you coffee this morning? Thank them. Did they listen to your worries after a long day? Acknowledge it. Shift your focus from unmet expectations to recognizing the positive contributions they make to your life. This practice bolsters goodwill and aligns your relationship towards mutual appreciation.
- Shift Language from "I" to "We": When you approach issues, frame them from a team perspective. Instead of saying, "I feel like you're not helping," try, "How can we work together to handle this better?" This minor linguistic change can significantly alter the way conversations unfold, fostering collaboration rather than conflict. Remember, it’s about what we are going through together, not what I am enduring alone.
- Develop Joint Goals and Celebrate Together: Establish common objectives and milestones that you both can strive for and celebrate when achieved. This can be anything from fitness goals to career aspirations, or even simple family traditions. When victories are shared and joint, it underscores the unity and reinforces the perception of you both being a single unit. This shared journey towards common goals strengthens the bond and aligns your pathways.
Together or against?
But does this approach really work? And will it work for you?
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By aligning your viewpoints to focus on teamwork and appreciation, you create a fertile ground for love and mutual support to flourish.
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By implementing these changes, you reinforce the concept of you both as a collaborative entity. This viewpoint nurtures an environment where each partner's contributions are appreciated, and expectations are balanced with understanding. Remember, relationships are not a zero-sum game where one partner's gain is the other's loss. Rather, they are a team effort, where collaboration and mutual appreciation pave the path to success and fulfilment.
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Wrapping up
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So what are the steps to turn a battlefield into a paradise?
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- **Communicate Appreciation**: Highlight daily acts of kindness and support.
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- **Shift from "I" to "We"**: Approach challenges as a team.
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- **Develop Joint Goals**: Celebrate victories together.
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Building a robust and lasting relationship is not about accumulating grand gestures or fulfilling every expectation. It's about appreciating the everyday contributions and working together towards common goals. When you focus on "us together against the world," you create a dynamic where problems become smaller, and the bond stronger.
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If you'd like my help to change your battlefield into a paradise, book your free Discovery Call: [https://lubo.coach/bookings/](https://lubo.coach/bookings/)
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Today’s Tip:
Prioritize appreciation over expectations and adopt the mindset of "us against the world." This shift will nurture a more resilient and fulfilling relationship.
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PS: *Remember, changing perspective from "me against you" to "we together” can transform the dynamics of your relationship. It fosters unity and shared purpose. You’re not just two individuals anymore; you’re a cohesive unit, facing life's challenges together.*
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By embracing this perspective, you can cultivate a relationship where both partners feel valued and supported. Remember, the journey is about turning struggles into shared victories, transforming your relationship from a battlefield into a paradise where you both thrive as a united front.
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Thank you for reading, and see you next Tuesday.
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Cautious Openness
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Be cautiously open. Don’t lock up your heart, but don’t fling it wide open either.
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Observe, listen, and match the vibe. If they’re guarded, don’t force your arms open. If they’re all in, meet them there. And if they’re cautiously open, mirror their style.
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Remember, true connection isn’t about risking everything. It is about matching values and finding that sweet spot of openness.
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What about you? How are your connections? Do you feel lonely and abandoned by everyone? Or are you one of those who have someone you can rely on? Let me know.
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That's all for today. See you next Thursday and thank you for reading!
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Lubo
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Lubo
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